Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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