Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
