hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
