omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
its not stalking. its research.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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