i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
