just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
