did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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