I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
