I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
