No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
