I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
