i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
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i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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