I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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