I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
