She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
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I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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