I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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