R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
