It's Friday. Sex?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He felt like a one man threesome
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
