yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
