The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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