thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you have to choose: penises or morals?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
