I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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