every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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