im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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