when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This is my gift to your gina
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
