I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
