we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
