Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
