you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You are a genius and a whore.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
