God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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