Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
