I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
