Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
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I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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