I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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