please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
