Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
