am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
