Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
found the other keg... it's in the tree
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
