you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
