If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
