apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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