I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
