I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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