Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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