i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize