Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
