Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
