My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
