I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
