I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
