Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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