FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I cut my penus on the lid.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
