just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
