Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
