You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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