goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
