im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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