I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
