I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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